Creating Harmony at Home
Using Directive Communication Psychology
( by Savitri Iyer )

It was the last year of school for my 'little one', my younger daughter Mridula. The time had come for her to choose what she would do next. From being a student in India getting just average grades, she had blossomed in the nurturing environment of the International School in Singapore, and realized that she could be good at any subject she chose to study. There was discord in the family because of the different approaches taken by Mridula and her Dad to decide on this issue. My daughter likes to collect lots and lots of data before analyzing and taking action. As per Colored Brain Communication Inventory (CBCI), her brain processor is ‘purple’ in colour. Her Dad has a ‘green’ brain with lots of red software, he likes to analyze quickly whatever information is available and take action. I use a ‘blue’ brain; I can understand and relate to people.

Mridula thought she fancied Psychology and announced it to the family. I was thrilled because Psychology was something I would have chosen if I were in her place. Her father being a Banker and using his red brain software, thought that psychology was a waste of time; “You get a degree in Psychology and then what?” He had a point there but she refused to even look at it!

The next question was whether she should apply to Universities in USA and UK. She started collecting the relevant information. Many of her friends were applying to Universities in North America. Being American, they were able to tell her all the advantages of schooling there and she became convinced that it was the right place for her too. However, she continued to look at Universities in UK and what they had to offer.

When she said she wanted to study in USA, her Dad again specified his objections in very clear terms. He said a) you need to spend an additional year to get a degree in USA, which makes it more expensive b) during the first year of college, everyone has a ball, nobody actually does any studies, which is a waste of time and money and c) the annual expenses for a student are more in USA than in the UK. While my daughter was looking at ‘apples’ (life in the Big Apple) her Dad was looking at ‘oranges’ (counting beans). They just couldn’t see eye to eye.

To diffuse the situation, I stepped in with my blue brain. I took my daughter aside and told her that I would support her in whatever she did. I explained that her Dad also wanted the best for her and there was a way to make him see her point of view. She should continue with her research and based on that she should list the pros and cons of studying in USA vs. UK and present it to her father. I assured her she was capable of convincing her Dad that what she thought was best for her could also be acceptable to him.

I then had a word with my husband. I agreed that his arguments were valid and had been noted by our daughter. I told him that she had not made up her mind as yet since she did not have all the information she needed. She was still exploring and we should wait patiently.

Within a week, my daughter announced that she had been invited by her friend whose family lived in New Jersey, to go on a tour of some of the Universities on the East Coast with her. She asked us for permission and we thought it was a capital idea! During that time, we flew to UK to attend the graduation ceremony of our elder daughter, Mallika. Mridula joined us there after her US trip. She said that she was having second thoughts about studying in America! My sensible accommodating and action oriented husband then took her to some of the Universities in UK. She found out that the University of Bath was offering a subject combination that appealed to her; Psychology and Communications Engineering (similar to Electrical and Electronic Engineering). She liked the place and she decided she wanted to study there. Her Dad and I were happy with her choice.

During the second year, Mridula realized that Engineering was quite challenging and she liked the subject. So she switched to Engineering as her major and Psychology as her second subject. She stayed a bit longer and completed her Masters! We attended her graduation last year and now she is working in London.

We realized that it is important to consider and understand the different styles of processing information. Only then can we create synergy, work together, and live in harmony.